Haha it wouldn’t be a classic Fangs video if it weren’t longer than an hour. Best satiric party promo video I have ever seen. (As far as I’ve watched it.) It’s processing now. πŸ™‚ In the video editor. So it will likely be online tomorrow in the afternoon CET.

Meow I’m crazy exhausted, so I will be going to sleep. There will be intercom maintenance today. I hope it won’t be early because meow I’m to tired to set an alarm and my place is messy. Haha my standard wish and classical line, hoping that the feeling is mutual, I hope that it will be sexy Tishe dressed as maintenance guy. Ahahahahaha meowww liefjeee. *heart eyes*

Truste β™₯


03:13 (AM); Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

Good morning liefjeee β™₯

As I’m writing this, my video is being uploaded to YouTube. 17 GB.

I woke up with a sore throat and a headache. πŸ™ My required intake of kusjes is higher than usual now. πŸ™

Because some moment today someone will do maintenance on my intercom, I got up to open the curtains in the living room. Ahahaha… And before I went to sleep, I wiped out my study planner schedule. Haha nothing says “crazy” more than having “dec 23” on your living room wall in February. The schedule is emptied out now. Haha I’m not crazy… πŸ˜€ (That’s the joke. πŸ™ )

I should take care of the excessive amount of trash here (full trash can and a McDonald’s bag filled with trash) and the remaining dishes, but I feel too tired and achy for that right now… Hopefully that changes soon. Though now that the study planner is semi-normalized and my chairs and table are in their normal position, I shouldn’t care too much. I don’t even like people who complain about how not neat other people’s houses are and most people I’ve met in maintenance are not like that.

I’m waiting for the oven to be heated, so I can put some fish sticks and yesterday’s mashed potatoes in that for breakfast. Haha I rarely eat breakfast meow. This is special.

In the video I talk about my thoughts of suicide. Including “strategy”, though I forgot to mention the conscious influence of my heart rate. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone open about suicidal thoughts before “having been helped”. They must be there though. Hopefully things will play out well for me and be helpful to the community of suicidal people.

(Es funny how with the existence of demons it’s nearly impossible to say “hopeful” without thinking of someone interpreting it as negative.)

Talking about it with other people has always made me feel worse, so I’ve stopped doing that. And now I live far away from them, which does feel like a big win. Not enough, though.

It’s something a “DSM” conversation surely can’t fix. (Though dr. Catje is chill, I can’t help the plethora of misinterpretations of the middle man. It’s so exhausting I’ve stopped correcting.) If I had enough money to not have to worry about being able to eat tomorrow and if I had people who are able to understand me to talk with, I wouldn’t want to die.

But I’ve hopefully extended my ultimatum to Valentine’s Day. Hoping that this problem is solved before that already. In the video I, by the way, talk about my radical writing and about how I want The Volta Valentine’s Party to be peaceful. I’ll be highlighting some sub-topics in the video description, while enjoying my mashed potatoes and fish sticks.

Kusje β™₯


P.S. If people want to sabotage the event to send the message that people should stop giving up hope for a better life, I’d say we have to fight back. (The enemy is within.)

P.P.S. The answers to the test are not written down anywhere. Only in my mind (and yours my liefjeee). πŸ™‚

09:25 (AM); Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

The video is online now. πŸ˜€ I want to watch it, but I should catch some more rest first, I think…

My intercom has been maintenanced. When I was eating my mashed potatoes and fish sticks in my bathrobe, the doorbell rang. I was editing the video description. In my bathrobe. I’m comfortable like that, but I didn’t expect them to be here so early, haha. I was planning on changing. But then the doorbell rang.

Never got a reply to those case related e-mails I sent. I wonder why. But I can live with it meow I’m used to long e-mails of mine being ignored.

Huh meow when moved away from my laptop, it said “21 minutes” until the video would be uploaded. I was on the can when I wrote “The video is online now. πŸ˜€ ” But now I see that it has been uploaded but has been on 0% processed for quite some time now. I hope I won’t have to reupload it.

I’ll be trying to sleep. β™₯


P.S. Yesterday I wanted to google something and got this server request thing timed out kind of error. That’s shocking.

12:15 (PM); Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

This young man saved the day. Though the Youtube instructions say “don’t close this tab until the video is published”, it’s possible to close the tab when it’s processing and not lose uploading progress. Impatient me also threw in a shift + F5 in the new tab. But just opening a new tab of the same page works. I should catch some rest, but I’ll be viewing my video now yay. πŸ™‚

Kusje β™₯


12:27 (PM); Kievitwijk, Antwerp


Just here to mention that I’m hungry and tired at the same time. Should have gone to sleep but ended up watching my entire video meow I love it meow. Like who is that person meow such a yayed meow.

The highlight was definitely where I said “My husband could be standing right here,” and my arm mimed a body that clearly was Tishe. Haha I am yayed. I could watch this on repeat for the rest of my life. That’s Friday?

Too tired to get up, but too hungry to sleep now. I don’t know what to do, so I write.

Kusje β™₯


16:22 (04:22 PM); Kievitwijk, Antwerp

Problem solved-ish

I had to dash out of bed to spit out the nasty squad of slime sliding down my throat. Then I quickly made spinach dip.

Kind of want to watch my video again. There’s so much truth in it meow es best video of mine. But I should rest and make dinner.

In the video, I said lamb for dinner. But the lemon I need for my spare ribs is going bad, so I’ll be eating spare ribs today. I also hadn’t mentioned that I have eggplant and frutti di mare to make dinner with. Dinners are not a concern for quite some days, but lunch, breakfast and snacks… Oof. πŸ™

Kusje β™₯


17:07 (05:07 PM); Kievitwijk, Antwerp

When I was writing the outline for the content of the video, I called my smoothness and propagandistness “social threat”. But when I was typing the description, I figured “relationship threat” describes it better.

In the part about days at home I should have mentioned that the nicknames are for people who have been on my mind in a positive way.

The rest of today will be bed petty, it seems. I’m so futloos and bored meow I wish time would go faster so that I can see if I’ll kill myself or not.

Tishe ik mis jeee β™₯


17:50 (05:50 PM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp