I hugged my pillows (in the end they are my best friends haha) good bye, ate the last bit of soup, took a long shower and am wearing my favorite outfit now. A nice way of doing things for the last time. I really took my time. Thought that I’d had this over with by 9 PM yesterday.

I emphasize: a definite yes to a post-mortem autopsy. It will prove that with psychiatric measures (medication and shock therapy), people have tried to kill me and my physician was so wrong for not listening to my health complaints. My death will prove everything. I hope you will kill them.

0 regrets doing this today, because clearly no one gives a fuck what I think.

I’m off to the roof. My passport and business card will be in my inside pocket.

Part of me is a little scared to jump, because I don’t know if I’ll feel pain, if it will kill me, et cetera. (Haha what if I turn out to be immortal. I really don’t know what to expect.) But if we don’t Volta, then this is the change I very much need.

Kusje β™₯

xxx

00:57 (12:57 AM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

This is harder than I expected it to be πŸ™

I hate it when I don’t do what I say I’ll do. And I don’t want to go back to my apartment.

Ik wil heel graag een kusje van Tishe. To jump means accepting that I’ll never get that. But what if I should give it more time. πŸ™

Either way, I’ll be up here and let the cold and hunger get to me.

It feels like 6 hours have passed, but it’s only 3. πŸ™

03:47 (AM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

I couldn’t do it. πŸ™ Only when I’m 200% certain that we can never be, I’ll be able to end my life. I can’t stop hoping for the better.

Mweh I’m too exhausted and depressed to take that party stuff away from my pages. Because es not happening? πŸ™

Meow I’m freeeezinggg. πŸ™ I’ve just put puff pastries filled with tuna, some spices and Philadelphia, into the oven. All foods I have take long to prepare and I’m trying to save the best for last.

All of my warm clothes need to be washed. What to wear that can keep me warm now? πŸ™ I really need to tackle household tasks, but will allow myself to spend today laying in bed all depressed and stuff. πŸ™ I also need to rest anyway because with staying in the cold, I’ve made my flu worse. πŸ™

Kusje? πŸ™

xxx

04:47 (AM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp

To find myself here in this bed once again is something I didn’t expect.

Good night liefje β™₯

xxx

05:28 (AM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp

Dag liefje β™₯

I wish you a lovely Valentine’s Day full of love. May you feel extra loved today and have that feeling last forever.

I didn’t expect to wake up here. Or to experience waking up at all. Yesterday, all day, my future forseeing vision saw me jump off of my building and with that the permanent end of my conscious vision.

But somehow I got myself to falter back to my apartment. After being so convinced that I wouldn’t be doing this anymore. Here I am, again. This feels odd and slightly awkward. Also frustrating and depressing because I don’t want to live by money and proletarian cycle of life anymore. But I’m just still in it.

I thought I’d never again have to think of how to feed myself for 5 days with €5, but here we are. I even need to start making time to watch the lectures I haven’t attended and figure out a way to purchase course books with the budget that I have. Likely one course book a month.

Still I don’t want to do this anymore. But laying here, pretending it all doesn’t exist – not working on it – feels like a good escape as well. Though I know it will all come crashing down at some point, so I’ll stop hiding and start doing things at some point.

Es quite interesting that my desire for een kusje is the reason why I’m still here. Though I might never get it, or get rejected at some point. Somehow the one in a million chance of it happening is keeping me wanting to stay alive. And my fantasies of us together are such yays I can’t stop watching them. I wish I could hold your hand once more. (Seriously, how do you get them so soft and looking perfect?) Thank you, mijn lief Tishe. β™₯ (I guess I must still be here for a reason. I hope you are the reason, mijn liefje.)

Es odd and embarrassing that the things I was convinced of yesterday are just words and unproven concepts today. Ah meow I’ll be hiding underneath my sheets.

Forehead kusjes request, because I’m still sick, but need your kusjes, mijn liefje. β™₯

– xxx –

12:27 (PM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp

Woahs. For once in my life I’ve seen an interruption that didn’t make me feel annoyed. (Likely because es most solid plea ever. πŸ™‚ ) Just had to share that with you:

Hugs β™₯

xxx

12:50 (PM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp

Let me, by the way, emphasize that there will most likely be no Valentine’s toast today, but I’m too depressed to edit my websites right now. I’ll be in bed all day. Unless things change. Nothing is for certain, as long as the day is not over.

Hugs and another request for forehead kisses (it will be warm because my forehead is sizzlin’ (from this flu/fever)). Liefjeee β™₯

xxx

12:59 (PM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp

I should leave my bed to make my Valentine’s meal for one, sarcastic yays. I should, but I am not. Not as long as hunger is making it more urgent, I guess.

It really is too bad that the Valentine’s Party is not happening. I was looking forward to it.

What I liked about it the most was that the attendance selection process was so fine tuned, based on who understands me instead of on who has access to me, that it could exclude “even” my very own *insert any relationship title that people consider valuable*.

I’m ghosted by people I want to be in touch with. I’m ghosting people who want to be in touch with me. Circle of life.
What’s the weirdest about my “last seen” status on whatsapp – ages ago (like 2 weeks or so) – is that messages still deliver when sent to me and the phone still rings when I am called. Ahahaha that it would be more normal if I were 200% unreachable. Why is exactly my life so not easy to explain.

Anyway, yes. People, for some reason, want me to tell them that I never want to see or hear them again to their faces. I don’t want to do that. I’m likely never going to do that. I’ll be forever ghosting. I wish they were in the process of accepting a life without me already. Especially because for manyyy it is far too late to fight for me.

I’ll be marinating my lamb chops. After laying around a little more.

Cuddles β™₯

xxx

P.S. You know that aside from my family I barely know any Surinamese people, right?

18:27 (06:27 PM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp

So I’ve been considering my life fucked up when and before I wrote my previous update at 18:27. But it’s actually even more fucked up.

I am Screwed (:

After looking at more memes and more politics related videos, I wrote down some more “talking points” for in this post. One of them to reflect on the first week of semester 2. Then I realized that I had my first lecture of psychology today and I didn’t attend. I thought I would have been dead by now, so I hadn’t even thought about it.

I then checked Blackboard to see if I missed any updates. On the 15th there’s an event for which the university is looking for volunteer pianists. I thought that could be fun to do, though I don’t have a piano I could prepare myself on. (Keyboard is far from the same.)

And I saw that a bonus point can be scored for psychology by participating in a research project. So I signed up and “keep an eye on your student mail account” was the end notice.

I “randomly” decided to check my student e-mail. Remember how I said “ah I’m glad I didn’t get any threatening e-mails about failing and not being allowed to continue”? Ahahahahahaha… The question now basically is: “What the fuck am I still doing here?” Ahahahahaha. I should have just jumped.

Damn I would’ve been verbally if not physically whipped if I weren’t living in this apartment I’m about to lose because of this.

I never sign up for “seeing your exam” moments, because I find them too painful. But for economics, I do wonder if I scored a 4 or a 0.4.

& 12 for informatiesystemen is a C. Es 12/20. (Which is also equal to failing, in my eyes.)

Mathematics and accouncancy are subjects that cover 2 semesters. But even if I’d score an A+ this semester, I won’t pass them. For both subjects, I haven’t scored more than 2/8. And for accountancy I have a -2 penalty, because I didn’t make any assignments, making my final result negative.

Any regular person would say that it ends here for me, academically, expecting me to feel bad about this. For the “you’re someone with high intelligence” bar people have been expecting me to perform at since I was little, low results indeed always hurt because of the way people respond to it, but other than that, I guess this means I’ll really have to start doing something. Quitting is not an option, because I need those *** titles in front of my name and I need my student loan to keep this roof above my head and have a reason to live (here).

In my first year of middle school (where I did HAVO/VWO), my grades were so low that I’d have been sent to VMBO at the end of the year. In the last period of the year, however, I managed to work them up to gymnasium level.

Just like then – just like always (ugh it never changes, no matter how much I try. πŸ™ ) – I have been sleeping all semester long. I should just fully conform and do this. And ask questions and stuff. Get my diesel engine running. Final sprint type of stuff, scoring a streak of A’s. But I’m already tired, though. In comparison to previous years, I’m now emotionally more worn out than usual.

But I have no god damn choice. Because there is noooooooo waaaaay I’m moving back in with my parents. Oh my god ahahahaha. I tried so hard not to think of this. But I can’t avoid what I deep down already knew. My last minute study sessions, after literally sleeping all semester long, were damage control. (And I passed a subject with it haha.)

In retrospect, I should have just sat through the little stuff I had already heard of, live with the fact that I have trouble with both low and high pace (low when conforming, high when procrastinating) and attend tutorials. Though now, after being a ghost for an entire semester, it feels strange suddenly attending tutorials (people have started to get to know each other and I’ve been in exile for I don’t know how long). February resolution: attending more lectures. All lectures… In that way I keep myself occupied with the course material already. And I need to find a way to afford course books. And I should write less. But there is my paradox again.

I study to, in the end, have broader knowledge to run this business with, focused on government-like economic policy. The main focus is this business. The study is more for jargon and titles. But the more I focus on my studies, the more I neglect my business.

I don’t like losing time conforming to the system when it can be done faster in an out-of-the-box manner. Unless I have to, which is where we are now. I quit uni to focus on Elia PR. Then drama so now I’m back at uni. Now I have to finish uni. Whatever it takes. Though I’m an emotional mess who is Rick-ish about everything proletarian and everything academics related.

According to my grades, I should be studying communication or linguistics. But I can say this: CETA can be fun if you’re an independent country. Because then one sort of has a voice to defend national interests. For EU countries, that it not the case. Not that I’ve read the entire thing… Anyway, the point is that I’m an economist.

And don’t tell my relatives or anyone who feels similar “””responsibility””” towards me (with the similar “reprimand if you fail” kind of attitude) about my grades. πŸ™‚ Haha according to the earlier threat made by my grandmother, my family will officially stop loving and trusting me now, if they weren’t already.

And now I’m going to make dinner haha. πŸ™ On the real though I really can’t go back to the Netherlands ever. I’d literally rather jump. Every step I’m moving closer to the equator meow. Not away from it. πŸ™

Risky kusje because I’m still slightly flu-ish but I like giving you kusjes my liefjeee β™₯

xxx

P.S. Haha am I really going to end up working in a strip club?

P.P.S. The e-mail said that if I pass less than 30% of my subjects in the second semester, I won’t be allowed to continue my studies and I won’t be allowed to follow any similar courses.

P.P.P.S. My home pages look disturbingly funny with The Volta Valentine’s Party not taking place because y’all be ghosting me.

22:27 (10:27 PM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerp