Happy Historic 4/20, my dear Aether ♥

This day is so special that I can’t wait until tomorrow to share my historic news with you. 04:09 AM today it was official: I’m a member of Forum voor Democratie now. 🙂 Which is historically odd, because I’ve been closely following and yaying this party since 2018. It was a very informed decision. Next up is applying for miscellaneous involvement. 🙂 But that I’ll do at a less random time of day, since it will involve my curriculum vitae and I don’t know why I still try to come off as normal while I’m here, in the middle of the night, expressing my fangirl yays to the Aether. Meow this is such an historic 4/20! (We should really smoke on this omg I’d kill for some edibles right now damn. 🙁 It has been quite long since I enjoyed that.) Especially because earlier this night I realized the stupidest thing.

After playing some more Papers, Please! after ending last night’s post, I couldn’t sleep and saw in my agenda that today I have an English oral proficiency test. I figured why not prepare, since I can’t sleep. So I started to read what I need to read for the test (and already overwhelmed by how often assumptions are stated as facts meow how am I ever going to be able to answer any questions without giving a nuance of at least 100 words upfront) and – after filling out a couple of surveys for fellow students – checked my student mail to see if there were any updates about the test.

Then, scrolling down my dozens and dozens of unread e-mails, I noticed one about enrolling for exams. Possible until March 31st… Oh my god. What the fuck am I still doing here hahaha… This is problematic. But just because of my rent. x_x I thought I was at least “stress free” until the summer. x_x I really need an income high enough to pay off my student loan asap. In other words, I need to become a business that yays other entities (political parties/businesses/personal endeavors of people I can level with) and raise funds for that so that I can make a living for now. Though legally, if I’m correct, to not be penalized for having the loan I have it’s being an enrolled student that is required. Not necessarily a well-performing student… Right?

Meow I’m going to eat something, take a nap and get miscellaneous. As for the oral proficiency exam, my situation is so embarrassing that I find it hard to out of nowhere be like “wassup (:” (not literally that, but you know what I mean meow I was the ever raising a hand to comment something English student that vanished from the classroom since the end of December).

Had I already mentioned that from the start I didn’t know that I was signing up for the most outspokenly “left wing philosophy” having university ever? This block I have a subject entirely devoted to the economic workings of the European Union, served as something future generations should not distance itself from. I’m sorry but I really can’t put myself through that. 🙁

See you later liefjeee ♥

xxx

P.S. My previous posts, namely yesterday, the day before that and the day before that, had a more reader-friendly structure meow you should really check that out. 🙂

04:57 (AM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae

My morning was followed by a series of great impulses. I have deleted my social media accounts once again. And I’ve made Opinionist.’s website unaccessible as well. Long story short: it’s killing me on the inside, so I’m a lot better off without it. My zillionth attempt to nothing. I don’t care that I started investing in it.

While I was rewriting my CV thinking “oh my god how the fuck did I ever publish that”, I thought of the other thorn in my eye, which is that my social media accounts looked like spam accounts from how few people I had on them. “Well you didn’t tell me anything” is not an excuse, because as far as I know I tell you everything every single day, Aether.

I was also thinking of what to put in my motivation letter. Something about how I aspire to contribute to international conservatism. (You should ask me to elaborate on what I mean by sustainability some day.) But the problem is my CV. It’s so awful that I don’t want to rewrite it. I just want to cry in fetus position. But this is a festive day. 🙁

But I have sooooo many bridges to burn and so many people who wouldn’t mind to put some more dirt on my name, it’s better if I just stay in fetus position until my time has come. What the fuck am I doing here?

10:07 (AM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae

So today is a meaningful day to me. Because I’ve finally taken that step of officially defining myself as an FvD’er.
Simultaneously it has made me realize my harsh and painful reality: all this time, I thought that my content all seemed “displayed in a way that applies “the rules” flexibly (but still applies them), so someone with a deeper understanding of the things I’ve been speaking of will easily see my underlying message”.

In a way that’s still true, but I realized that simultaneously I’ve extended people’s ability to openly spread false rumors about me on any scale, without having to inform me of the damage because I’ve been too busy destroying myself. Why did no one tell me how fucking ugly my CV is? It ranks so fucking high in search engines. My god I want to die.

I’m so passionate about politics. I’m so passionate about FvD. But my presence alone, or more likely (if you think of not my side of the story being believed by default combined with my purposely unprofessional display which I didn’t realize I was taking way too far) my rejection, would be unbearable. It’s best if I don’t take it further than this. I’m too much of a disgrace. No matter how much I’m dying to put my lessons about strategy into practice.

I should really use a different featured image. No one was dying to tell me that? I didn’t realize how long I was doing that. The clue is buried way deep in the texts of the first month of doing this. It feels weirder to stop.

My attempts to be near Victor because I genuinely like him a lot. I just wanted to get a new opportunity to pitch myself to him as an individual to have in your life as anything. My exaggerated passionateness wouldn’t even fucking mind being his fucking house maid. Too bad such a great part of the Netherlands is below sea level, because it seems like the literal only bearable “career option” I have left. But it must have come off as way worse than I knew it was bad. Especially because, again, I don’t know what is said about me behind my back. I’ve just been guessing based on what I’ve seen.

That’s another reason why I shouldn’t do this: I don’t care about the masses liking me or not. I just want to get my message across and get things done. Me doing anything populist is so cringy. That’s just one of the types of fuel that could be used to make my affiliation cause destruction.

I think eventually everyone has a limit to how much failure and rejection someone can take and I have reached my limit. To abstain from further involvement is to avoid the final blow. My lust for life has vanished. (Congratulations?)

17:23 (05:23 PM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae

It already feels wrong to apply for a job while being a business owner. On top of that, I wish I could apply without a CV. Because rewriting it feels like what I imagine as being dragged on the ground by a rope on a speeding car. I shouldn’t do this, but just opening the YouTube app and seeing headlines “You are starting to sound like Baudet” “Do not compare me to Baudet” (it might as well have said “Trump” or “Dominique” or “Kanye West” et cetera). DO ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS KNOW EMPATHY? DON’T FORGET YOU ARE DOING THIS SHIT COLLECTIVELY. I will try it by writing a letter instead of uploading my CV. I’d like to at least be an FvD blogger about day-to-day FvD thoughts. Liefje :'(.

But not right now. I feel to empty to write about myself in anóther format. I can’t even get up to make myself dinner. I knew the world was full of snakes, but realizing how severe it is makes me never want to leave my bed again. But wait, there’s more and I know.

17:37 (05:37 PM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae

I wanted to switch to my Belgian phone number, but my sim has expired due to inactivity, so instead I’ll be simless. Meanwhile I’m working on my letter in which I mention image damage and ethnicity plus an updated CV. After that I’m going to make some soup. 🙁

19:10 (07:10 PM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae

Here is my new CV:

Curriculum Vitae in het Nederlands

Now I’m going to write a motivation.

20:30 (08:30 PM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae

My application (I ended up checking “strategy”, “second chamber support”, “second chamber candidates list”, “support European parliament”, “campaign volunteer” and “other”) is submitted now meow. The automated mail says I’ll get a call, but I’m simless with phone anxiety meow. I hope to be exception. Also, the initial motivation I wrote was a lot longer, because when I looked at the form to see what information I had to collect, earlier today, I thought my motivation could have been max 800 words, but it was max 800 characters. This was what I had written at first (what is bold is what I ended up using):

In algemene zin vind ik dat de informatie die verspreid wordt door erkende nieuwsorganisaties (inclusief de overheid) ongekleurd en objectief zou moeten zijn. Conservatieve partijen worden hierin onderdrukt. Daarom wil ik graag dat mijn bedrijf, D.O.C.I.S. International, als medium daarvoor dient.

De doelstelling die het bedrijf uiteindelijk heeft is om het volk digitaal te laten stemmen over ieder beleidsbesluit, en de beleidsmakers uit een kleine groep experts te laten bestaan. Dit omdat het volk nu uiteindelijk volledig machteloos is tegen mensen die onder het nom van de bekende PR thema’s (klimaatverandering, seksualiteit, “onderzoeksresultaten”, “tegen nepnieuws”, et cetera) ongestoord een agenda kan doordrukken die desastreuze gevolgen heeft voor toekomstige generatie, als het niet de huidige generatie is. D.O.C.I.S. International richt zich internationaal op nationaal conservatisme.

De urgentie die ik voel om mijn politieke stem te laten horen is nu extremer dan ooit. De wereld bevindt zich op dit moment in crisis, wat betekent dat de aandacht alleen daarop gericht wordt. Dit baart mij grote zorgen om twee redenen:
> Het invoeren van een nationale corona app heeft een permanente impact op individuele vrijheid. Onder echt goed beleid zou de burger werkelijk vrij zijn wanneer de lockdown wordt opgeheven, maar in plaats daarvan wordt men de “politiestaat 2.0 app” aangeboden. De app zorgt er ook voor dat men nog meer achter de feiten aan zal lopen en maakt een vaccin minder belangrijk dan het zou moeten zijn.
> Het invoeren van Eurobonds ontneemt economische keuzevrijheid van toekomstige beleidsmakers.

De gevolgen hiervan zijn zo permanent dat ik me graag volledig wil inzetten om dit te voorkomen.

Ook zou ik ontzettend graag willen bijdragen aan het laten horen van een alternatief geluid door middel van (nationale of internationale) PR. Media verkondigen dat uitspraken onjuist zijn, maar richten zich nooit op de ware aard van de uitspraak. In mijn schoolboeken hebben altijd gestaan dat de Europese Unie geweldig is en dat we allemaal meubels van koeienmest moeten kopen omdat we anders de aarde vernietigen. Hoe komt het dat bijvoorbeeld de heer Baudet hier niet van overtuigd is? (Ik ben het er zelf ook niet mee eens, maar kan mijn conclusies alleen maar op mijn eigen subjectieve redenering baseren.)

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

I included picca. (I threw away my braid extensions recently, so will be wigging in public again.)

Now I’m going to make some soup. Kusje x

21:41 (09:41 PM) [CEST]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae