The storm Dennis is blazing through the city. I’ll be working on my 2020 edition business plan today. It might be the last thing I’ll ever do, because the amount of people who ignore my effort is insane and I’ve had it. This is the only potential future I have. Sometimes I wonder why I keep hoping for better days.

I’ve said I’m giving this “response process” until 12 AM on Monday, but I guess I’ll give it until it’s online for a couple of hours, which can be later than that.

Future-wise, I’m 200% doomed if this doesn’t work out, because my academic career is a big mission impossible. I cannot conform. I have my vision on how things should be and simply can’t fill my head with concepts that praise the present way things go. That’s just not for me. Deep down I, as mentioned, already knew when I signed up, but just wanted to give it another shot. That has passed now. Here we are. Weed was never the cause, I’m happy to prove.

I said “Don’t tell my parents,” because why the fuck would I ask for that trouble again? Sure, they might know it already because it is here out in the open. But I won’t tell them until the end of the second semester that grades are bad, then live through the second attempt period and likely fail that as well, and then mention that I’m dropping out once again. Communication all via text messages (ahahahaha). The good part of that is that by then I still have my own living space. Because I’m not ending my monthly student loan, which is keeping me alive-ish, before I have another way to earn at least that money (thus this business, but then succesful).

Living under the same roof with my partial cause of self-hatred and lack of concentration, when they have extra reasons for (passive) aggressive behavior, is literally worse than hell. And there’s no way out, then. So whatever happens, moving back in with my parents is NEVER an option.

At first I wanted titles in front of my name so people would take my research seriously. But now I guess I’ll have to do it without. I don’t do this for the mainstream anyway. My business plan will include how it can initiate parallel finance, why it will keep investors safe from financial crisis (and only when doing this with me and not with a copy cat business), something better than the European right to live and other stuff.

What I’ll have to somehow manage is being able to film myself. I literally feel like dying. But for the 1 minute pitch video and elaboration video I want to act my most enthusiastically.

For the D.O.C.I.S. International Business Overture, I used this article from for its outline:

For the 2020 edition business plan, I’ll use the same outline, but more clearly so it’s easier to understand. After making breakfast (fish sticks and knackebrod with yesterday’s eggplant (I speak such a hybrid kind of English haha)), I’ll be getting to that.

Yesterday I said that it feels odd to not have seen a sign of life from Tishe in so long. By that I just mean that my stalking skills are bad. I have no actual affiliation with him so he doesn’t owe me any signs of life.

Have I slept on a reverse pillowcase because I consider myself nasty? Yes. Thanks fam.

Tonight I’ll prepare myself tagliatelle with frutti di mare. After that I’ll have less than €5, potatoes and a can of beans to feed myself with until the 20th. Because of pride.

I wonder if my life could ever be free of suffering. Getting you suffer spectators to invest will be all or nothing. Really my last fucking attempt. I hope it won’t be for nothing.

This is so insane. I try to organize something for the 1000th time. People see it. They know about it. But they ignore it like all of my other attempts. On the edge of suicide I decide to keep trying. Celebrated Valentine’s Day by myself. Am mentally preparing myself for my next suicide attempt. Yet still, again, I am trying to get myself a future with you. Why the fuck am I going to exhaust myself again?

This business is the only future I can have, if successful, being a satisfying challenge to me. To drop out and start working somewhere with only a high school diploma is something I don’t even want to fucking try (again). I’d rather kill myself. I know you understand.

My flu/fever has gotten worse again, by the way. My temperature has increased further. 🙁


09:25 (AM) [CET]; Kievitwijk, Antwerpiyae